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More Mabinogion -- I hope no one minds being spammed by ancient Welsh mythology.
I'm still reading the oldest King Arthur Story, the 1000-year-old "Culhwch and Olwen." I'm at the part where the Giant-King Ysbadaddan sets the price on Cwlhwch for marrying his daughter. There are a handful of minor items -- plowed fields, a magic sword, the birds of Rhiannon -- but the majority of them relate to the Giant-King's desire to have a trimmed beard and hair for his daughter's wedding.
Apparently he has very difficult hair. It requires the tusk of a magical boar (taken while the boar was still alive, and which can only be harvested by a prince of Ireland) to shave him. The tusk can only be carried by a Welsh prince.
As for shaving cream, the only stuff that'll work is the warm blood of the Black Witch of the Valley of Grief in the Uplands of Hell. It has to be kept warm by the magic bottles of Gwyddolwyn the Dwarf.
Worst of all is getting him a haircut. Only the magic shears and comb caught in the hair of the monstrous giant boar Twrch Trwyth will work.
This boar can only be hunted by magic dogs, who can only be leashed with a magic chain and a magic leash -- and the magic leash must be made by from the beard-hair of a wild man named Dillus, harvested with wooden tweezers while he is still alive.
The magic dogs can only be handled by a houndsman named Mabon, who has been missing since the age of three months, and who can only be found by his cousin (who's in prison). The leashes, meanwhile, can only be held by Cynedyr the Wild, son of Hetwn the Leper. Several dozen other magic huntsmen and horses are required to hunt the boar Twrch Trwth, to get his magic comb and shears.
So there you have it -- the oldest surviving King Arthur story is not about the grail, or Launcelot and Guinevere, or the treachery of Mordred, or the sword in the stone. King Arthur's first quest was the search for the magical hair-care products to make a giant pretty.
Giants, apparently, are very high-maintenance, but at least now we know why they're called fabulous beasts.
I'm still reading the oldest King Arthur Story, the 1000-year-old "Culhwch and Olwen." I'm at the part where the Giant-King Ysbadaddan sets the price on Cwlhwch for marrying his daughter. There are a handful of minor items -- plowed fields, a magic sword, the birds of Rhiannon -- but the majority of them relate to the Giant-King's desire to have a trimmed beard and hair for his daughter's wedding.
Apparently he has very difficult hair. It requires the tusk of a magical boar (taken while the boar was still alive, and which can only be harvested by a prince of Ireland) to shave him. The tusk can only be carried by a Welsh prince.
As for shaving cream, the only stuff that'll work is the warm blood of the Black Witch of the Valley of Grief in the Uplands of Hell. It has to be kept warm by the magic bottles of Gwyddolwyn the Dwarf.
Worst of all is getting him a haircut. Only the magic shears and comb caught in the hair of the monstrous giant boar Twrch Trwyth will work.
This boar can only be hunted by magic dogs, who can only be leashed with a magic chain and a magic leash -- and the magic leash must be made by from the beard-hair of a wild man named Dillus, harvested with wooden tweezers while he is still alive.
The magic dogs can only be handled by a houndsman named Mabon, who has been missing since the age of three months, and who can only be found by his cousin (who's in prison). The leashes, meanwhile, can only be held by Cynedyr the Wild, son of Hetwn the Leper. Several dozen other magic huntsmen and horses are required to hunt the boar Twrch Trwth, to get his magic comb and shears.
So there you have it -- the oldest surviving King Arthur story is not about the grail, or Launcelot and Guinevere, or the treachery of Mordred, or the sword in the stone. King Arthur's first quest was the search for the magical hair-care products to make a giant pretty.
Giants, apparently, are very high-maintenance, but at least now we know why they're called fabulous beasts.
