Reflections

[felis_ultharus]

I'm doing a little better after yesterday's jolt, but I've come to loathe academia so much that I don't even want to finish this last course of mine.

Even before this, I'd gotten to the point where I was thinking that the best thing we could do for the world would be to cement up the doors to the universities like something out of Edgar allan Poe.

I'm exaggerating of course -- there a lot of people who learn perfectly good, real-world skills at universities. Not in English, of course, where once you've learned to write coherently as an undergrad, you don't learn anything else practical -- indeed, they first teach you how to write coherently, then work hard to break you of that habit.

At the end of my university career, I feel some shadow of what a person must feel on their deathbed after they've wasted their life. I'm flailing about for some kind of value in the experience, and there's none. I've educated myself enormously over those years, but mostly on my own.

In fact, trying to hold on to my love of reading, to my spiritual strength, and to my sense of beauty in the world has mostly been a struggle against academia.

I'm $14,000 in debt, and I want the last ten years of my life back. If an English degree can get me either of those things, it might be worth it.

But if there's any value to it all, it's this: all my life, I've been struggling against my need to write, because I'm really a practical person at heart and writing is a very impractical career. Since the thought of becoming a professor now makes me nauseous, I should quite trying to hide behind other, potentially more stable professions and go for what I love.

Comments

[terren-divided.livejournal.com]

Ok so now I understand the downside to the comp; holy crap. *hugs*

Ironically my trip to Montreal pretty much convinced me I want nothing to do with the art world as a practicing, making-money artist, whatsoever. Which is a depressing realization when you're only three months into your MFA (not that I'm gonna stop making art, but ... well whole other story).

And despite that I can see the practical value in the piece of paper. As someone that's wasted several years of my life in a sense as well, I'd encourage you to stick out that last semester and get the damned piece of paper, if only to I dunno, paper-mache it into a fun sculpture of ... uh ... it's too early.

As for stable professions - they are at least stable. There's little you can do if you don't feel you got ground under your feet (blah blah blah value of jumping off a cliff, making unsafe choices, etc...)

lol take care of yourself, it'll work out for the better.

[rougemacabre.livejournal.com]

And despite that I can see the practical value in the piece of paper. As someone that's wasted several years of my life in a sense as well, I'd encourage you to stick out that last semester and get the damned piece of paper, if only to I dunno, paper-mache it into a fun sculpture of ... uh ... it's too early.

Ditto on that.

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

I know. I will get my degree.

As for stable professions, the running gag of my life is that every time I decide to go for one of those instead of writing, the universe reveals the profession as not nearly so stable as I thought.

Plus they tend to come with prices I'm not willing to pay.

It's as if the universe is saying I'm not going to have stability either way, so I might as well pursue something I love...

...even if it does mean living in a tarpaper shack and eating dog food because I couldn't sell my writing :p

[sugar-spun.livejournal.com]

The feelings grad students have towards academia are perpetually fluctuating, but by the time you've got this far it's already in your system and you may never escape.

This whole thing represents everything that's wrong with academia. Fools take charge and there's no one to stop them. But that's not the totality of academia.

Be careful of speaking in absolutes. If academia wants you it'll take you. It's like the monster in the closet. Or cancer.

[yumemisama.livejournal.com]

If academia wants you it'll take you.

Seconded. Whether you are suited for institutional academia or not, you have already started learning. It's addictive and it'll never stop, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

On the other hand, having talent and passion as a writer at least means you have some career options outside of academia. Imagine having a bone-deep love of, say, economics, and hating the only institutions where it's practiced. You'd wind up a mechanic with a PhD. English composition and analysis skills are welcome anywhere English is spoken as a first, second, third, or sixty-fourth language.

And you need no one's permission to read! You strike me as one of those people who spends a lot of time reading things with happy teeth on the front -- not because happy teeth are a hobby of yours, but because you are stuck at the dentist, you have already finished the other three books presently on your person, and the thought of having to sit there for another 30 minutes with nothing to read is actually worse than the impending root canal. (Usually, but not always, with these types of people all I have to do is look at them and say, "You wind up reading a lot of things with happy teeth on the cover, don't you?" and they immediately grasp where I'm going with this and answer OH GOD YES IT'S AWFUL, I EVEN READ THE VITAMINS LIST ON THE BACK OF CERAL BOXES. Cat, for instance, once spent fifteen minutes on my floor during a Christmas party reading the little recipe booklet that came with the Chambourd because, quote, "It contains information! I must absorb it!") That will serve you well for the rest of your life, even if you have the uncontrollable urge to throw a couple of specific titles at the wall every time you see them. ^^;;;

[rougemacabre.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Oh god, I never thought of it that way... Man, I go through dental brochures like mad. Well, at least I know my options if I ever lose my teeth (though I'd prefer to keep them having seen the images.) I think I have the TSS pamphlet that comes with tampons memorized. I feel compelled to read it every time. >.>

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

You've caught me. I do do that kind of stuff. though there's a good justification with reading cereal boxes here -- I can always practice my French ^_^

But most Happy Teeth pamphlets are better reading than most of the criticism I've been exposed to.

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

It's true. And academia may have already sunk its fangs into me.

But at the very least, there must be a way of using the experience for good rather than evil -- or worse, intellectual mediocrity.

I'm not a true anti-intellectual. Problem is, I'm in love with what academia could be, but hate what it's become.

I'm not in love with it enough to to fight that uphill battle. Only my writing holds that kind of passion for me.

[archdiva.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Thank you ^_^

[jenjoou.livejournal.com]

I have embrassed the uselessness of my masters degree. It's never going to get me a job, in fact I think it's hindered the process on several occasions. My mother asks me at least once a month if I regret it. I don't, no matter how many times she asks. I was absolutely wretched towards the end but I do feel that's it's given me something, if only experiences I'd never have had otherwise. And I learned japanese so if I manage not to forget that at least I have something to show for it.

But then your experience with grad studies was very different from mine. I at least had interesting professors that I got along with. Plus having your parents finance it puts a whole different spin on it.

I say if you want to be a writer, do it. I understand why you resist it, I might not seem it but I'm rather practical myself and I've rejected the idea of making my living from my words many times (and seeing as I don't want to be a professor anymore than you do, I'm probably going to end up back in school to get a "useful degree"). But there is no point in being stable but miserable.

[rougemacabre.livejournal.com]

And you met me. Don't forget that. ^_~

[jenjoou.livejournal.com]

I did, that alone makes it worth it. ;) Although the class modernity and orientalism where I met you I could have done without. :P

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

At least your degree gives you a weird kind of geek street cred :p

I get a weird kind of geek street cred, too. Though for some reason, when most people find out you have a literature degree, they start listing off the reasons they don't read as often as they should. It's like I'm a priest, and they're apologizing for not coming often enough to confession.

I've tried to become a journalist and a professor -- both professions disappoint me. If I loved either enough, I'd fight for them, but only writing holds that kind of appeal for me.

[rougemacabre.livejournal.com]

If that's what you want, go for it! I finally stopped listening to my parents on that issue and I'm a lot happier for it. Of course, I'm totally out of my mind as I'm in the process of applying for the doctorate program at McGill. >.>

Admittedly though, I go through these horrible bouts where I convince myself I am worthless to the world and everyone thinks I'm lazy/lame/a bum etc. Some days, I feel like chucking my writing out the window and getting a job at McDonald's just to show the world that I can earn money too. I wonder if my writing will amount to anything, other than that great big pile I shove in my desk cabinet. But deep down, it feels like this is what I should be doing.

And you've got a heads up on me. You have a finished draft you're actually letting people leave.

In any case, good luck. If you ever need a place to chill or someone to tell you to drink water out of the toilet, you know where to call. ^_~

[jenjoou.livejournal.com]

Yes, you're insane but it'll be fun to be in school together again. I wonder if I can fit Korean into my schedule and if they'll let me TA classes in EAS even if I'm not in the department anymore... probably not.

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

Thank you ^_^

I've proven I can earn money -- that's not the problem. The problem isn't with "job" but career. I crave stability, and I've tended to look for it in work, but I don't think it exists in the workplace.

Writing would be a stability of another kind -- even if I starved, I'd be doing what I loved.

[infinitecomplex.livejournal.com]

This post reminds me of how lucky I was with my university experience. My degree was absurdly practical - to the point that they wouldn't let you on the program unless you were employed in the profession - and it actually restored my faith in academia after I'd sworn a long time before that I would never go back. Of course, I did my degree by distance learning so I only had to attend lectures for one week a year, which I think probably also had a lot to do with why I enjoyed it so much.

That said, I think that the one thing that all the soul-destroying academia can never take away is that you've proved to yourself that you have the tenacity and dedication to stick something out, even when you're loathing every minute of it. You've educated yourself, not just through intellectual challenge but also by observing and learning what it is that you don't want to be - watching the mistakes and guarding against making them and rethinking your own future to save yourself from something that isn't, after all, what you thought it was. That takes a lot more courage and honesty than someone who clings to the planned path no matter what. I'd say that for all the negativity of the experience, you're taking a lot away from it - there is value there, just not what you'd maybe expect.

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

Thank you ^_^

I think I have proved myself against the machine of academia. I'm ready for a different challenge, now.

I think the experience is very different when you're in something practical. My friends in computer sciences are never going to have to go head to head with a professor who's attacking their dearly-held values. They learn to program in C, Java, and other languages.

Academia is so contentious because it's so intellectual -- literary studies, with all its theory, is largely just the burnt-out battlefield left by a series of intellectual crusades. It's all-out holy war, and I don't see myself as part of a winning -- or any -- faction :/

(On another note, I'm looking forward to seeing both of you in December, by the way ^_^)

[infinitecomplex.livejournal.com]

I don't think I would have gotten through a degree - even an undergrad - in a purely academic discipline. I originally had a place to read English Lit at Cardiff University in the UK, and I ended up cancelling it - something for which I'm now eternally grateful. I think I'd have ended up feeling much the way you do, except that I'd probably have given up partway through.

We're really looking forward to seeing you, too. :)