Depressing musings...

[felis_ultharus]

So I'm going to the NDP conference thing this afternoon. It seems my presence is expected.

It's frustrating. It's been four years since my breakdown, and I'm slowly getting better, but I still have such a hard time dealing with strangers. I had to set aside everything this morning in order to mentally prepare myself for the ordeal. It means losing half a day of writing and schoolwork. I just can't focus when I'm trying to prepare.

Of course, a couple of years ago, I couldn't have left the house at all to deal with anything like a conference. And there are times I can do things like this now -- more and more often -- without risking panic attacks, and sometimes even relaxing.

But I look around, and I notice that my two closest friends from high school have also both developed such severe agoraphobia they don't leave the house anymore unless absolutely necessary.

And we all have our different reasons for it, but it's so strange it should happen to all of us, around the same point in our lives, when we're all so far away from each other. None of us were in contact with the others when it happened to us, so it's not a question of influence.

Is there a common thread? Could we identify a "Post-Esquimalt Stress Syndrome"...?

Comments

[jc2004.livejournal.com]

Post-Esquimalt Stress Syndrome - when my panic disorder was at its most severe (I dropped down to 80 pounds and became really dehydrated because I could barely even eat or drink water anymore, let alone go outside), I was diagnosed as having post-traumatic stress disorder from the experiences I had there and the things I saw being done to other people.

I've found the only way to defeat the panic disorder is loads and loads of exercise and confidence-building stuff like martial arts, though other people might find solutions that work better for them. Being more assertive is also very helpful. Now I can do pretty much anything, but there was a time that I couldn't and there are still some definite work limitations. Good luck with it. I know exactly how you feel.

Which friends from high school, by the way? People I would know?

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

I find writing helps a lot -- more than anything else. So do reading and cleaning, walks and sometimes time spent with friends. Over the last few years it's been mitigated, but it's not gone yet.

I'd like to learn a martial art, though more for defende than anything else. I've always been drawn to ninjitsu, though I've only ever had three classes.

You know both friends. These days, you know one of them better than I do -- he's still in Port Conquitlam, I believe? I haven't had a valid email address or any means of contacting him for awhile now.

The other is Sean, who I've only just gotten back in contact with.

[ex-zombie-po784.livejournal.com]

Oh I see, I have a friend with that problem also but I'm sure you'll be fine ^-^. As long as you keep working on it *nods*

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

I've been working on it for four years. It's disappearing, but I wish it would go away faster :/

[ex-zombie-po784.livejournal.com]

Patience is a vertue or so I'm told ^-^. You'll get there in due time.

[archdiva.livejournal.com]

I hadn't realized you felt that way. What kind of breakdown happened a few years ago?

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

It was a complete breakdown about four years ago -- during an extremely stressful period of my life that included mountains of schoolwork and other responsibilities, death of an acquaintance (I didn't know her well, but for some reason it hit me hard), the insanity of a close friend of mine, a horrible soul-breaking job, and a series of minor crises.

I spent the first three years or so going through the motions of life. Spending time with strangers -- and sometimes even friends -- gave me panic attacks. Finally, this last year I started to feel human again, and I've felt fully myself a few times, for a few hours and then a few days at a stretch.

I go back and forth, but the periods of feeling human are getting longer, and the panic attacks are less and less common. That's why I've only recently started to come out of my shell and be social.

Sometimes I revert, though, like this morning. But I was feeling human again by the afternoon :)

[archdiva.livejournal.com]

You're a very strong person. *Hugs*

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

I like to think so, but these days it doesn't feel like it :/

But in any case, thank you. And I never refuse a hug.

*hugs back*

[infinitecomplex.livejournal.com]

Genetics may have played a part too, given what I know of Jen's panic disorder. You guys are pretty strong people; I've had one panic attack in my life and can't imagine dealing with them on a more or less daily basis.

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

I've thought of that, too. Nature or nurture might account for it. But the reason I brought it up is that friends of mine were suffering from the same thing -- friends I'm not related to.

So I figure there must be something about the place itself, and given the psychological atmosphere of Esquimalt, it wouldn't be too surprising...

[infinitecomplex.livejournal.com]

From everything I've heard about it from Jen, it sounds like a definite possibility. I suspect growing up in London is similar - I always wondered why more kids there didn't lose it. What really disturbs me is the people who just adapt, and accept those kind of places as normal - what kind of adults do they become?

[felis-ultharus.livejournal.com]

Simple sociopaths, from what I see. A friend of mine refers to it as "survival mode" -- everyone and everything is sized up in what you can use, what you can get out of it.

Spend long enough in that mode, and you don't know how to get out of it. Even when you're not surviving on the edge, you idolize it.

One of the things that frustrate me about my university program is that I'm surrounded by bored, upper-middle-class kids, who've never been out of school, and who idolize that kind of desperate survival mode as "edgy" and "revolutionary." It makes me want to scream at them :/